I’m so sorry. The weirdest thing just happened to me. All I can say is that I’m so sorry to all the people in my life who make it great. I don’t say I love you enough. I barely say it at all. Its always overshadowed by the bad things in my life and I’m too stupid to realize you’re all there. And you all have helped me through the worst experience of my life. Everyone. Everyone at work at EQCA, everyone at college, people I talk to online, fans, my friends in San Diego, Seattle U choir, my bands, everyone I’ve met in the music scene, my brother and his friends, my cousins, my professors, everyone I’m quiet around that I honestly just admire and don’t want to sound like a dumbass in front of, Sam for talking me through my breakup and making me feel like I’m normal, everyone at that dinner at the end of the school year who I wanted to say all of this too but was too nervous, anyone who has helped record my music…everyone. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Its never hit me this hard. You all have kept me alive, literally, and I don’t thank you enough. Thank you so much. I don’t know why you put up with me when all I do is get upset. I’m sorry.
This is a long one. Proud of you if you get through it.
I try my best to stay away from writing serious things online because I feel like people don’t like to read them. And I’d like people to be interested in what I have to say. If they do enjoy it, then they never seem to say so. If you’ve ever followed anything I’ve done online, then you probably know that I seem to succumb to writing serious things more often than not and thats honestly when I am trying my best not to. So here it goes.
As if you haven’t all heard on this topic enough.
Here I am. Looking at a picture of you. I won’t mention you because I feel ashamed. But if anybody reads this, I’m sure they know exactly who I’m talking about. I won’t even tiptoe around the subject. Only your name. When I look at you, I just wonder why someone who treated me like shit for so long has had such an effect on me. It boggles me. I keep trying to think what is so special about you besides your looks. I’m not gonna lie to myself and say that you’re not gorgeous. And I’m pretty damn sure that you’ve moved on from all that of this. It just puzzles me so much because I know that you shouldn’t be having THIS much of an effect on me.
I had a good chat with my friend Gordon the other night. The man is a genius and will be teaching at UC Davis in…the fall I think? Either way, if I remember correctly…I’m pretty sure he’s either doing sociology or psychology. And so I jumped into this conversation about how I hate how much you effect my day to day life. And we jumped into psychology with talks about “conditioning” and “extinction” of which I’m sure many of you heard of. And its so frustrating to know that answers exist, but take time. Time. Fucking time. And I realize I’m just venting my ass off on here.
Sometimes I wonder if my music has something to do with this situation. For those of you who don’t know, I’m writing a full length album for Amber Sky Lane. And its a concept album about this entire situation. And I feel like once I finish writing it, it’ll be such a huge weight off my chest. But that takes time. And if that is part of what gets me over this, am I just supposed to be living with this fucking annoying situation until then?
I have so much to be happy for and yet she always pops into my head. I can’t illustrate how annoying this is. Especially being in Peru because everyone is like “Where’s your girlfriend?” And I don’t know spanish too well so I just have to say “Crazy bitch.”, and they understand. And it doesn’t help that we had planned to come on this trip. Haha. But at the end of the day…I’M IN FUCKING PERU. Why the fuck should that be bothering me? There’s just so many other things. I get to live on my own in Seattle which I love so much. And just Seattle in general. And I have so many amazing friends up there. I’m in an awesome choir and my voice is getting so much better. I have 3 music projects right now that are going SO well. I’ve met so many people in San Diego this summer who I pray to God I don’t lose contact with because I honestly love them so much. And I’m not even embarrassed to say it. And I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now who understands all of this no matter how much I bitch about it. And I shit you not, you have to be a saint to be able to handle that. Just knowing that I won’t be judged when I talk about it to her is…I can’t even make sense of it.
And so why? Despite all of this you still fucking bother me. Fuck you. I need to get my ass back to San Diego and finish writing this fucking album because you honestly have fucked with my head SO much.
And sometimes now, I feel about my physical appearance the way you did yours while we were dating. Even though people constantly reinforce the idea that “I’m attractive”. And I mean…I know I can pick up girls pretty decently so long as they’re not slutty ass bitches that do E all the time.
So everything makes sense. I know that I can be fine, if not better now that you’re not around…yet something still bothers me and I can’t fucking figure out what it is. And I guess thats what this post is all about.